ON THE SPIRITUALITY OF MARRIAGE

By Padre Stephen Morris
[Delivered at the CFB Stadacona Marriage Preparation Course, April 2009]

The title of this discussion, ‘On The Spirituality of Marriage,” is a bit of a misnomer. Why do I say this? Because marriage doesn’t change our fundamental spiritual pathway. It’s not like as single persons we’re spiritually travelling one way, then we get married and do some sort of spiritual u-turn. That’s not how it works.

I say this because there are some ideas floating around suggesting marriage DOES give us a completely different spiritual path. Here’s what I mean. I was at a party recently having a conversation with a friend about relationships. Her understanding of them went something like this:

“Your partner must ideally complete you in a profound way, making you challenge your fears and inner darkness, and help you ultimately realize your deepest potential…”

I actually feel that on the surface, this is a noble and romantic ideal. How could one not see the beauty in it? Furthermore, I believe that for all of its high-sounding idealism, that it is actually quite a common view. I think most people today would agree with this as the definition of the ideal relationship.

So if our culture takes such a beautiful and inspirational view of relationships, why are they so notoriously difficult? Why is the divorce rate nearly 50%?

Here’s a thought experiment that gets to the heart of my point: Take the above quote, and substitute the word “God” for “partner”. Here’s how it would read:

“Your partner [God] must ideally complete you in a profound way, making you challenge your fears and inner darkness, and help you ultimately realize your deepest potential…”

How did the words “partner” and “God” become interchangeable, so that they both seem to fit into the paragraph? It’s stunning if you really think about it.

But I personally think it can be understood from a cultural and spiritual perspective: we are spiritual creatures, but as our society becomes gradually secularized and spirituality loses its place in the fabric of our lives those spiritual needs are displaced into other areas. With the erosion of religion in our time, we have compensated through an ‘over-spiritualization’ of romantic relationships.

So what is the problem with this? Simply that it puts extremely unrealistic expectations on romantic relationships—which can ultimately be corrosive. When our partner fails to meet our emotional, intellectual, sexual, and now spiritual needs, we feel that our relationship is somehow inadequate, that it’s somehow a failure.

And just as a side note, isn’t it astonishing to think how within just a few generations, humans went from a purely utilitarian view of relationships—that marriage is basically a contract which secures a foundation for our children, who will one day keep the family farm going and care for me and my wife in our old age—to a view which is so lofty that it’s a pie-in-the-sky fantasy? No wonder there is so much hesitation, fear and confusion around marriage.

But getting back to the problem of this hyper-romantic view of marriage; if you think about it in a more technical theological language, it’s actually a form of idolatry. What is idolatry? It’s a fancy word that simply means the worship of false gods, of idols. It important to recognize that our culture sacrifices at the altar of romantic love because it’s important to recognize how this distorts and burdens our relationship expectations.

And this is consistent with what marriage experts will tell you. Read the classic, “Fighting for Your Marriage”, the best selling marriage enhancement and divorce prevention book, and they will echo this. They will also tell you not to think of marriage as the source of all earthly happiness and fulfillment;

Our focus on marriage as a relationship primarily about happiness has diminished marriage, and we need to reinvision marriage as an opportunity to practice the virtues of friendship, loyalty, and generosity. To simply try to be happier or to be more in love is not the path we suggest you follow. Ironically, that may be the path on which you are least likely to find happiness. Although we want to teach you how to preserve happiness, our focus is on teaching you how to walk the deeper paths of commitment, forgiveness, and friendship. When you walk THESE paths together, you will find love and happiness throughout your journey, because these are the characteristics research tells us predict lifelong happiness and love. (Fighting for Your Marriage, p.5-6)

This quote tells us 2 things. First, that the purely romantic ideal of marriage is a harmful illusion that’s going to lead you away from true happiness. And second, it speaks of a more fruitful understanding, as the authors attempt to redefine what makes a marriage truly happy. What struck me was their redefinition of marriage as, “an opportunity to practice the virtues of friendship, loyalty, generosity, commitment, and forgiveness…” It’s striking because these virtues all have religious or spiritual significance. Friendship (love of neighbour), loyalty, commitment (aspects of faith), generosity (charity), forgiveness (as Jesus says, “Forgive 70 X7”)… And this book is written by social scientists in 2001; not priests or theologians. This is a completely secular scientific publication and yet it confirms what our ancient spiritual teachings have been saying for millenniums.

This is what I meant at the beginning of this discussion when I said that there is no separate “Spirituality of Marriage.” Marriage is just another dimension to the spiritual playing field where we live out our existing spiritual lives.

You may have heard the quote; “Marriage is not a place where we go to take from. It is a place we go to give our selves.” Marriage then, just as the spiritual life, is all about giving ourselves to the other in the spirit of generosity and love; the same dynamic at the heart of our ancient spiritual tradition.

And what does it tell us that the same spiritual dynamics are at play inside or outside marriage? Quite profoundly, that all loving relationships, all human activity, falls directly under God’s loving providence. The fact that these same spiritual laws are just as relevant to the realm of marriage should tell us to wipe our feet, for we are about to tread upon some holy ground indeed.

Thank you very much and God bless.

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Discussion Questions

1) Read the following quote from Fighting for Your Marriage:

Our focus on marriage as a relationship primarily about happiness has diminished marriage, and we need to reinvision marriage as an opportunity to practice the virtues of friendship, loyalty, and generosity. To simply try to be happier or to be more in love is not the path we suggest you follow. Ironically, that may be the path on which you are least likely to find happiness. Although we want to teach you how to preserve happiness, our focus is on teaching you how to walk the deeper paths of commitment, forgiveness, and friendship. When you walk THESE paths together, you will find love and happiness throughout your journey, because these are the characteristics research tells us predict lifelong happiness and love. (Fighting for Your Marriage, p.5-6)


What do you think of this ‘service-based’ redefinition of marriage? Does it challenge or confirm your expectations of marriage?

2) Do you agree or disagree that these marriage-virtues of “commitment, generosity, friendship, forgiveness” have a spiritual dimension? And if so, how might they be cultivated in your own relationship? (i.e. praying together, attending church or service group, spiritual reading & discussion, yoga, volunteering together, adopting a child, etc.)

3) People come from different faith traditions, and are in different places on their spiritual journey. What are the similarities and differences between you and your partner? And despite any differences, how might you walk common spiritual ground together?


Closing Prayer:

Gracious and loving God;

Be with us as we prepare to cross this great threshold of marriage. In it, may we discover a love that is truly holy and pleasing to you.

But Lord, despite our desire to grow in holiness and love, we also know all too well our weaknesses and temptations. We know our blindness and our shortcomings. We also know the stresses and fears that go along with this military lifestyle; the deployments, the postings, and of course, the dangers of combat and the toll it can take on our lives and our relationships. This is all the more reason to ask for your help in building our relationships on solid ground.

Grant us the clarity and insight to see marriage not as a place to be served, but as a place to serve. Let us love our partners selflessly, just as you love us. And may your holy virtues of love, forgiveness and generosity govern our marriages and bring us to a lasting and profound happiness.

Amen