ON FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is something I've long struggled with... definitely.

It was the question of responsibility that got me. I was afraid that forgiving meant condoning the person. So if someone was violent and hurt me, I thought forgiving was sending the wrong message, which was: "It's ok... I accept your violence, you dont have to change." And in that sense, i feared forgiveness could actuallty be dangerous.

So I would only forgive if i saw some kind of change in the person.

But then Jesus says "forgive 70 x 7." which basically means, forgive without limits. So how could it be ethical to withhold forgiveness? Can you forgive freely? Have you known the poverty of your forgiveness?

But that was my problem -- thinking of forgiveness as a stamp of approval -- like, "Now you can be forgiven BECAUSE youve changed, apologised, repented, or whatever. NOW youre worthy...'

In time I learned I this understanding was false. Not because it wasn't justified, but because it was failing. Because i was failing. Witholding forgveness wasn't healing anything. There were no fruits. It was only hardening people against me, and vice versa.

So now my approach is far less dramatic. It doesnt depend on massive change or conditions. Its just saying to the person "You've hurt me, but im not giving up on you. You're still in the circle."

And its realizing the circle is filled with people who are imperfect and that one day might hurt me -- just as I am imperfect and have hurt so many people whose circles ive stood inside.

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And the mystery of it? All the while I thought forgiveness meant opening the door to others. But really, it was the door that was being opened to me. Because as I let those people back into my circle, it was really me that was being let back into the big circle, the circle of Love, of Being, of God -- whatever you want to call it.

And I pray that one day, all our circles may be complete.